So Many Feelings

I have been putting off and putting off writing anything but sometimes when I put what I am feeling down on paper sometimes it is just the release that I need. It has been a crazy couple of weeks. Blaine started school a week ago. I have really been trying not to complaine. I had a lot of anxieties about him going back to school. I knew that he was suppose to go to school and I am so proud and happy that he is sacrificeing so much for our family but he is such a hands on dad. I didn't know how I was going to handle becoming a single parent. I try and look at what some of my friends are going though and have gone though and I think to myself at least he gets to come home at night and on the weekends. Some of my friends husbands have been or are currently in the military on the front lines, husbands going to medical school or are doing residency and they never get to see them. I have my kids to focus on even though they like to drive me crazy sometimes. I thought it was going to be really hard with Cameron. Cameron has always been a daddy's boy. Something happens he wants dad the only way he would go to sleep at night would be on daddy. He never wanted me so I didn't know how it was going to work. Cam also is a night owl like his dad he would go to bed around 11:00ish get up two or three times a night and then be up for the day at 7:00. I don't handle no sleep well it makes me sick after about a day of it.A week before Blaine started school Cameron had a change of heart. He started sleeping better and he wanted me. It was crazy he wouldn't go to sleep on Blaine he wanted me. It has been a pretty smooth transition with Blaine being gone. The night before he started school I told him that I wanted a blessing. We went over to his parents house so that his dad could help him. His dad thought it was kind of weird that I wanted a blessing but I had so much going on in life right then. Knowing that I was going to have to depend on others for help. That I won't get any breaks unless I am at work and that I won't be able to see my best friend all the time. He gets up at 4am goes to work till 1:30 drives to Avondale is in school till 8:45 and gets home between 9:30-9:45 eats I yell at him to take a shower and go to bed. He usually falls asleep between 10:45-11:30 and then gets up and starts it all over the next day all without complaining. On top of Blaine going back to school and all the stress that comes from that. We have applied for ACHCCS and still haven't heard anything and I have hospital bills coming in and wanting money. Cameron hasn't gotten his 2 year well visit cuz I can't afford it at the moment. I have had girl issues ever since my miscarriage last summer. Some moths my friend comes to visit I have gone two months with out it I have had it for 18 days so SICK of not knowing what is going on. Over the last year I have personally made pregnancy test stock go up all of my tests have come out negative of course otherwise I would be a lot happier. Ryan prays every night that we will have a baby girl. I don't know why but about two months ago he told me that we needed a baby girl and to go to the store and get one. I told him it didn't work like that so I told him to start asking Heavenly Father for it. I get so I don't know if the word is worried but is driving me crazy because every time we have wanted to get pregnant we do within a month or two. It has almost been a year since I miscarried and still nothing. I feel bad for feeling that way sometimes because I have friends who haven't been able to have any children and really have a hard time getting pregnant and every once in a while I wonder if something is wrong with me. I have had some abnormal PAP tests and they said the last colposcopy that I had they said it could be pre-cancer so that is part of the reason why I have been scared to go back in to see the doctor and then being poor and not having insurance has something to do with it as well. Yes before I get 50 billion comments about how I need to go see a dr I have an appointment next Friday I am praying that our insurance gets approved before that but not looking good on that front so I will have to pay out of pocket. I feel like sometimes I shouldn't want more kids I should be happy with the ones that I have when so many of my friends and some family can't . But it doesn't work like that. I feel without a shadow of a doubt that we still have little ones to come to our family. I want a girl more than anything I am so glad that we had our Emily and I know I will get to raise her later but how I long for a baby girl during this earthly life to raise. Blaine thinks our next baby will be a girl since that is what we had talked about when we got married we would have a boy girl boy girl. So far that is they way it has worked we had Ryan, Emily, and Cameron. Ryan really wants baby Gracie to come join our family. Yep our next girl will be Grace. I have had some people say we are crazy for not waiting until Blaine is done with school. Well to that I say I'm not pregnant yet so I guess its not something to worry about until we cross that road. I am not a pleasant pregnant person. I get really sick and have no energy. I hate being pregnant because I usually can't walk for about a month our two before because my back is so bad. I would rather just skip to delivery. I get my drugs and have a baby. We have talked about if our next one is a girl that would be it and we would be done. We will see what happens with that. I guess we will see what the doc has to say next week. It doesn't help the baby hungry part of me when I would say about 10 of my friends are prego or just had a baby. I know that my time will come I just have to be patient. What Blaine and I keep saying is if it is suppose to happen it will happen. That is what I have to keep telling myself.