Feelings

Just an FYI this is for me to hopefully feel better if I get it out of my mind. Sometimes when I express things it relieves the stress. I hope that is the case but we will see.

I am really having a hard time putting everything that is going on in my mind into words. With that being said this could sound really stupid at least that is how I felt when I first talked about it earlier today. This pregnancy has been crazy. Very very different from any of my other ones. Ryan was pretty easy was able to keep working full time got sick at night and even with that it was off and on till about 8 months.
Emily well that is a huge story that I have already documented. She literally just about killed me. The doctors couldn't figure out why I lived. I miss her a lot. Sometimes I wish I would have been able to meet her but and this could sound bad to some but sometimes I am grateful that I didn't have to go through that. Yes I felt bonded with her I had her in my tummy for almost 26 weeks. I was bleeding with her pretty much from day one. That really was the worst thing with her was that I almost bled to death. I was a little sick but not horrible I was still able to eat .
Cameron was really the easy one. Yes I did have my bleeding problem with him till about 20 weeks. But I was really never worried that I would loose him I mean I had already had a boy so I knew I could do it.
Some of my friends that had lost babies told me that after I lost Emily when I would get pregnant again that I would be a basket case. That really wasn't the case. Like I said I knew I could handle boys. We found out pretty early on that Cameron was a boy and after that no problems. Other than him being big and having a perfectly round head nothing big.
Now on to this pregnancy I don't even know where to began. I had my normal bleeding problem but it went away at around 12ish weeks. Super early for me. You would think that I would be fine after that. Nope then I couldn't eat. No med helped I couldn't even keep water down. Ice chips was about all I could do. Ended up loosing 25 pounds in a month. Not good! I am still not up to where I need to be but I am doing better. I have NO cravings, no desire to eat half the time. I really have to force myself to choke down food. It stinks all my other babies I had cravings I ate alot,. My boys loved meat this one I can't hardly eat any red meat at all. This baby likes baked potato's other than that and fudge sickles that's it. I am now 19 1/2 weeks. When my nurse came out a few weeks ago when I was on my IV she asked if I was having a girl. I told her an early 13 week ultrasound showed that most likely yes but I wasn't going to get my hopes up yet since it was pretty early. She told me that she would bet I was because of all the problems I was having. She said it is common for people with girls to have more problems since not only is my body producing estrogen but so is hers. Once I think about it makes since. When I was on birth control the ones that had the higher estrogen in them I had a lot of problems on it. So it would make sense that if the baby is making some and I am making some it is going to be harder on me. Still didn't get my hopes up. When I went in two weeks ago for my ultrasound we found out for sure that we are having a baby girl. Ryan had been saying that all along but what are ya going to do he is 6. But he did tell me that I was pregnant before I knew so I should have listen to him all along.
Now before I got pregnant I would have a hard time sleeping. Cameron would come in our room in the middle of the night and I would have a really hard time going back to sleep. So I started taking melatonin to help me sleep. It worked great and it is suppose to be natural so that was even better. Well when I found out I was pregnant I found out you can't take it. So it was back to my Tylenol pm. I would be fine with taking one every other day or so trying to spread them out. However over the last couple of weeks not even two of those are working anymore. I usually get a couple of hours but then I am awake. Not awake enough that I want to get out of bed because I keep hoping that I am going to fall asleep. When I don't get enough sleep it isn't a good thing. Not just because I am grouchy not to say that I am not but I get sick. I get super bad headaches and nausea. Add the fact that I am like that a lot anyway cuz of being pregnant and it is soooo bad. I have really been getting mad trying to figure out why I am not sleeping. It's not because I am taking a nap during the day cuz I will get Cameron down but I can't fall asleep when he is so i just watch tv. Today it finally hit me as I was driving to work.
pounder. Add 104 temp and everything else going wrong in my body at that time and it sucked. Now I know what my friends meant by you may freak out on your next baby. For me it wasn't my next baby for me it when I found out I was having another baby girl. I have wanted a baby girl for FOREVER! But I am worried. That is why I am not sleeping. Even though I am not always consciously thinking about it I really think that is what it is. I think I have gotten about 6 hours of sleep in 3 days. I really didn't want to be this way and I have been keeping it inside because I think if I didn't talk about it that it would go away. I don't think it is going away I think it is getting worse. I finally talked to my Gma about it to day and she said that it makes a lot of sense.
I have been afraid to ask for a blessing and this is one of the hardest thing to admit. I got a blessing when I was pregnant  with Emily. We went down to the shop I want to say about a month before we lost her and Blaine and his dad gave me a blessing. When Blaine's dad was giving me that blessing he said that everything with Emily would be okay. That she would be fine. I knew deep down what he meant. I never told anyone but I knew at that moment that I would not have that baby during this lifetime. I knew she would be fine as well but I also knew that I wouldn't get to bring her home and do all the fun stuff that you get to do with a baby girl. I knew deep down that I would not be making bows,dresses and all the girly girl things that you want to do. I didn't make anything no burp rags nothing. I had all the stuff to make it with but I didn't do it. A few weeks later everything happened.
With this baby I have had the desire to do those things but I am afraid to. I am afraid to ask for a blessing because I am afraid of what could be said.  I feel dumb saying that but honestly that is how I feel. I went though a box of 0-3 month outfits my sister in law gave me tonight as well as a bunch of stuff that I bought even before Emily but cute little girl outfits. I wasn't sure how I felt when I went though them tonight. A big part of me wants and is excited but there is a small part of me that is afraid to let myself get to excited. As I get closer and closer to that 25 week and 5 day mark and yes I am still 5 weeks from that point but the more I can feel every muscle in my body get tighter and tighter. I should be happy I shouldn't feel so scared everything si going so much better right now. I haven't been bleeding in a while I am able to eat even though I may not want to but at lest I can do it. So why am I feeling this way. I am getting mad at myself I didn't want to admit it. And really didn't want to let my husband know about it. I have put him through so much when I was pregnant with Emily I don't want to relive any of that again. I don't ever want to put him in a situation where he has to choose who lives if either ever ever again. He has enough to deal with school and work.
My gma said that I need to talk to him about what I am feeling but also my doctor. My doctor has been great so far he has been ready to do whatever needed to be done. If my bleeding wouldn't of stopped when it did he was ready with med to try to make it stop. I haven't been to see him since I found out that we are having a girl but she said that it is important that I tell him all of this that I am feeling. I don't feel depressed persay but the anxiety now that I am admitting it is pretty high. That is why I am not sleeping. If I don't feel this baby move for a while those thoughts start creeping in. It is still early enough that I shouldn't feel her every time she moves like I will be in another few months. I don't freak out where anyone would know it but it is all in my head. I trust my doctor a lot. Not only as my doctor but as a priesthood holder. I have had other LDS doctors before but not the way I feel with this doctor. This doctor from day one has been keeping a very close eye on me and doing way more than the doctor I had with Emily. A lot of my friends have gone to the doctor I had with Emily and been fine. For me it didn't work out this doctor that I have now I feel fine with. I know he is going to do everything in his power to make sure things go good. He has told me if I need to put you in the hospital I will and I don't care what you think. So I think that if I do what gma says and tell him how I am feeling he will truly understand and not look at me like I am crazy. I am trying to stay positive and not let the negative thoughts come in my mind. So these are a few of the things that I have been thinking of lately. I thought that if I wrote it down it could make me feel better to get it out. We will see. So if you see me and I am not very talkative its cuz I am tired and can't make since of what is going on in my brain. I am not mad at you I don't have any energy and I could just be sleepwalking.