I am so behind in blogging it is the end of December and the last time I posted somthing it was in September. I have so much on my mind right now I feel like I am going to explode. I made it through Blaine being gone for two weeks, I made it through Christmas granted it is only a couple of days past that but still.
Recently I was attacked on Facebook by one of Blaine's former co-worker whom I have met a few times and was friends with on Facebook. I had made a post the Saturday before Christmas about Blaine taking the kids shopping since Blaine only does last minuet shopping. I said something to the effect of I kind of feel bad but not really that he has all three kids at a store and Cameron was throwing a fit. All things that a mother feels who takes care of her kids all day and most of the time when Blaine has the kids they are like perfect little angels. For the first time in a very long time one of the kids acted up. She totally went off on me how I should be ashamed of myself for saying something like that. He works really hard and how dare I send Grace with him who has been so sick lately and he has been working so hard I shouldn't of even thought to send the kids with him.
I was proud of myself for not totally going off on her.I had a lot of people come to my defence and that was nice. But I wanted to get on and say just because I don't go to a 9-5 job doesn't mean that I don't work. I have three kids, I also take care of my friends little boy so that she can work. Yes I volunteer as the PTO president but that is a lot of work as well. I do it so that my child as well as other peoples children can get the help that they need at school.
I felt really deflated as a person, as a mother and as a wife. All things that I struggle with everyday and then some lady says all this stuff about you. I will tell the truth and say I was really upset.
I wanted to say you are the 2nd person that has said that I need to support my husband. I have words for that but I have tried to stop swearing so I won't say what I really wanted to.
I'm not a supportive wife, really who was it that looked and applied for jobs for months and months. Who is the one that found Blaine his current job, who is the one who went back to work for the 3 months that he was out of work so that we would still have a little bit of money coming in. I would work and then come home and look for more jobs. I would make sure if he had an interview that I had someone to watch the kids at the drop of a hat so he could go. I wanted to say who the hell are you. You have no idea of what I have been doing to support my husband with no thanks. I am doing what is best for our family.
I am just burnt out of people telling me everything that I am doing wrong all the time. I don't want praise or anything but sometimes it would be nice to be acknowledged a little bit and not always knocked down.
I have really had a hard time this holiday season. On the Forgotten Carols there is a song called I Cried the Day that I Take the Tree Down. Well this year I cried the day we put the tree up. This was not my plan. I wasn't planning on having my daughters 1st Christmas here. I wanted my tree and my decorations and traditions. Yes I know that sounds selfish but that is how I feel. It has been over 18 months that we have been living here and I am about ready to break. I am trying to keep a positive face and be happy all the time but I don't know how much longer I can do it. I am about ready to snap. Not that I don't like my in laws but I need my own house. I want my stuff back I don't want to have 5 people crammed in two rooms and always having to have the house perfectly clean. I want to be able to do things with my kids like make them clean there rooms make beds all stuff they have done before but can't do now.
I have tired to keep a happy face but I am tired and I just can't do it anymore. I knew I couldn't let me feelings totally determine Christmas. I wanted to make sure my kids had the best one that we could. They where excited for Santa to come and to get stuff.
It seems like every time we talk about moving it is getting pushed back another month. It just seems like nothing is working out. Yes that sounds negative. Yes things are trying to go the right direction. Blaine has a job that pays good, yes Gracie is going to have surgery in another few weeks so hopefully she will feel better.
I just feel like things are never going to end. I know that some of you I'm sure say just give it a rest already but you try it and tell me you won't go crazy.
I know this post is all over the place but this is how my mind feels. All over the place I just want my family back.
I can relate to so much of what you are feeling! I've had people criticize me for not knowing more Spanish, the way I spend my time and how much effort I put into things. It is so hurtful. I so often want to go off on them and tell them all of the crap that has been going on that they know nothing about. I know that I am giving all that I can and that I care so much about the things that they think I care nothing about. I hate that people think that they know how to handle situations that they have never been in! I also think that when certain people are uncomfortable, they want to change someone else's situation to make things easier for themselves or to make themselves feel better. I've only been away from home & living with other people for two months & I am dying! I can only imagine how you must feel. Not that you aren't totally thankful, but it is very hard to be your own family unit & feel like you are progressing as a family when you are following others' schedules & putting extra effort into making sure that everyone else is happy. I've been exhausted & stressed because I've felt like I couldn't act sick or let people know that I was having a hard time. I finally just realized a few days ago that I can't fight it anymore. I put so many walls up so that others won't see how sick I really am and how much I really can't do. I want to feel like my life is similar to those around me and it's not. I've started trying to live without those walls. That is SO hard to do when you have been doing it your whole life, or when you've had things happen to you that have made those walls so thick & tall. It has taken letting myself be vulnerable to realize that I was causing so much more damage to myself with those walls up than the damage that others can (& will) cause with them down. Anyway, I didn't mean to talk all about myself, but like I said, I can relate. This post spoke to my heart. I've been thinking & feeling so many similar things as you. I hope that you find peace soon and that you know that there really are so many people out there who love you, even if you don't always feel it from them. Thanks for writing this. It made me not feel so alone. (And normally I would comment in a happier, more subtle way...but like I said, I am trying to change my ways.) I really admire you & look up to your strength, perseverance and faith. Seriously. I hope that things get better soon.
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