Happy Birthday My Angel Baby

Today my little Emily would have been 3 years old. This year has been harder than other years I think because I have been under a lot of stress with things, not to mention the fact that I thought we would be having a baby soon if I wouldn't of had that miscarriage last summer. I figured that we would be pregnant again by now. Every time we have gone off birth control I was pregnant with in a month or so. I haven't been on birth control since my miscarriage and still not prego. I try and not let those negative thoughts that something is wrong with me creep in but sometimes they do. Blaine and I are both in the mind set of it will happen when it happens. I keep thinking with the changes that could be coming to our family that maybe it isn't the time to have a baby since I may have to go back to work full time. We went while Nana and Gpa where here to get some cute stuff for Emily's birthday to take out to the cemetery. Ryan picked out some cute metal flowers and windmills, super cute flowers and Nana even got a little angel for it. We went home and put everything together and took it out to the cemetery since my parents had to leave super early today. It is good to know that my little Brother is taking care of her and that I don't have to worry. I am so very greatful for the knowledge of eternal families and that I will be able to see my little one agian.

Emily's 4th Birthday

Happy Birthday Little Bro

Happy Birthday Little Brother. Today would have been my brothers 26th birthday. This year has been a lot harder than other years for sure. I think it has to do with a lot of changes that our family could go through in the next little bit, (no still not prego) stress and really struggling with Emily's 3rd birthday coming up. Over the last 20 years that he has been gone.( wow 20 years already I can't believe it will be 20 years in March) anyway I have had a lot of amazing experience's with my little brother. I know he is looking out for me and I know when I am having a really rough day that he is always there helping me out. Sometimes I totally feel him next to me.

I know if my brother was here that he would most likely be a fireman be married with a little one being a great husband and father. I know right now he is being the best Uncle in the world to my little one. Sometimes I feel so alone like I am an only child even though I am not. Ryan and I had such a close relationship. He was someone that I could tell anything to and I knew that he would still love me no matter what. I have a lot of other siblings but I don't have as close of a relationship with them.

This year was a nice day because my parents flew into town. My dad and I haven't been together on my brothers birthday in years. Every year I call him and just say hi and that I am thinking of him and then that is all because neither on of us want to cry. This year I go to take my little boys to the airport to watch the plane land and then Nana and Gpa come to hang out with us. Nothing was said but nothing needed to be said. It's like my dad and I have this understanding really I think just so we don't start crying. It was so fun to see him with my boys playing and having fun. Normally we both just try and keep ourselves as busy as we can on hard days like this but this year my boys made him play so all in all it was a good day.

I could feel Ryan with us and everyone was happy.

I can't tell you how much I miss you, how much I wish you where here on earth with me so I could call you when I have a bad day, or our kids could play together, or you could give my hubby crap and watch football together. I know you are in the best place ever and I am happy that you don't have to deal with the crap of everyday life. But I still miss you.

Happy Birthday Little Brother

This is the last picture of Ryan before he died.

Christmas Morning

Christmas morning Ryan woke up and came to our bed like normal and asked if Santa had come. This is the first year that we have even talked about Santa. We have two fireplaces in our townhouse so he kept looking up to see how exactly that was going to work. I just told him that he just does. When he came in he asked if he could go down stairs. Cameron was still asleep so I wanted to give him a little more time plus my Gparents come over to watch the boys open there gifts and then I make breakfast so I told them to come at 7:30 and it was only 7am. I told him that he could go and see if there was anything there or not it was so funny to hear how excited he got when he saw everything that was down there.

I had Ryan call Gma and tell her that he was awake and to come over and thank goodness they were just getting into the car.

Ryan is super excited to open his gifts but Cameron still wasn't awake and then we heard this little one at the top of the stairs.

He didn't sleep all night in his Elmo jammies because he had a leaking problem. He wasn't very happy that I was flashing him with a camera at this point.

Cameron loved this microphone as you can see he didn't want to put it down.Wipeout for Wii everyone is excited.

Cameron's favorite gift of the day his Handy Manny Quad. He had a blast running into everyone and everything.

Ryan finally got his own DS. He has been playing the girls for about a year now and loves it. Now he has his very own and it's not pink so that makes him happy. Still hasn't figured out the games very well since he is use to playing the Wii but I am sure he will have mastered it in a few months.

Gma and Aunt Deanna looking at some of the loot that they got. Ryan had a blast with Aunt Deanna and was really sad when she had to go home.

Even Gpa Bird got up and made it out for Christmas morning. I think it is more for biscuits and gravy but whatever works right.

This little boy is sooooo excited for his new DS. It was good that Santa put that one towards the back of the tree so that it would be the last gift that he opened otherwise I think he would have opened this one and then the others wouldn't have mattered.

Cameron is so excited to play racing game (mario cart) He always wants to play even when Ryan is at school. He doesn't know how to yet but he sure pretends that he is driving when everyone else is. Can you tell that he loves pictures.

I don't have any pictures from Christmas at the Matthews because we all did gifts at the same time and with 18 or so people wanting gifts at the same time it can get a little crazy. I was handing out the gifts so I didn't get any pictures I will have to see if anyone else did and then I will add them later. Some of the very cool things that the boys got was car maps. Linda gets toy catalogs throughout the year and Ryan loves to look at them. On came a while back that had an airport car map as well as a normal one. So Ryan got the airport one and Cameron got the regular one. So one is upstairs in there room and the other smaller one is down in the playroom. Cameron got his own car garage thing, Ry also got some blocks that we haven't gotten out yet because I have hidden them until I can find a good way to store them but I know he will love them because I did when I was little. Blaine got a tent so I guess that means I will have to sleep in it when we go camping next. I also told Blaine that means he is going to Fathers and Sons since he has one now. HaHa. Over all it was a very good Christmas everyone was very generous and the nice thing is there was no fighting and everyone was happy.

We did end up going out to the cemetery to take some pretty Christmas flowers to Emily. The nice thing is that Ryan and Grandma got her a little dog just after Thanksgiving and the really nice thing is the dog was still there.

The very interesting thing is every time that we go to the cemetery Cameron just goes and sits down like this every time and will just sit there for a while. There seems to be a connection between them and I am sure there is but it is so cute because he just sits there.

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve I did our traditional Christmas Eve PJ's opening. Cameron picked out the PJ's but he had no clue so it worked.

We found some Mario PJ's since he loves to play Mario Cart so much. He liked them until I told him that he had to put them on. He had a little meltdown but after a while he decided that he liked them.

Cameron getting his Elmo PJ's

He really didn't care that much about the PJ's he wanted to go and play Wii again.

Then I think it was around midnight when Santa came to our house.