Happy Birthday Little Brother. Today would have been my brothers 26th birthday. This year has been a lot harder than other years for sure. I think it has to do with a lot of changes that our family could go through in the next little bit, (no still not prego) stress and really struggling with Emily's 3rd birthday coming up. Over the last 20 years that he has been gone.( wow 20 years already I can't believe it will be 20 years in March) anyway I have had a lot of amazing experience's with my little brother. I know he is looking out for me and I know when I am having a really rough day that he is always there helping me out. Sometimes I totally feel him next to me.
I know if my brother was here that he would most likely be a fireman be married with a little one being a great husband and father. I know right now he is being the best Uncle in the world to my little one. Sometimes I feel so alone like I am an only child even though I am not. Ryan and I had such a close relationship. He was someone that I could tell anything to and I knew that he would still love me no matter what. I have a lot of other siblings but I don't have as close of a relationship with them. 
This year was a nice day because my parents flew into town. My dad and I haven't been together on my brothers birthday in years. Every year I call him and just say hi and that I am thinking of him and then that is all because neither on of us want to cry. This year I go to take my little boys to the airport to watch the plane land and then Nana and Gpa come to hang out with us. Nothing was said but nothing needed to be said. It's like my dad and I have this understanding really I think just so we don't start crying. It was so fun to see him with my boys playing and having fun. Normally we both just try and keep ourselves as busy as we can on hard days like this but this year my boys made him play so all in all it was a good day.
I could feel Ryan with us and everyone was happy.
I can't tell you how much I miss you, how much I wish you where here on earth with me so I could call you when I have a bad day, or our kids could play together, or you could give my hubby crap and watch football together. I know you are in the best place ever and I am happy that you don't have to deal with the crap of everyday life. But I still miss you.
Happy Birthday Little Brother
This is the last picture of Ryan before he died.
He certainly was a doll. It's amazing how much your boys look like him, too. I am glad you have him near you. He is lucky to have a sister like you who always remembers him. That will be one sweet reunion, someday! And happy birthday to Emily!
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