5 Years Ago Today....

5 Years ago today was a rough day. Well I guess I should start with 5 years ago yesterday my husband was out of town in Sacramento for a Business trip. I was having a lot of strong contractions so I went to the hospital to get the meds to stop them. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I didn't know that within the next 24 hours that my life would change forever. Little did I know that I would be fighting for my own life. I have played the "what if" game for a while but can't do that anymore otherwise it will eat me alive and the depression that I am fighting off lately will take me down into a deep dark hole that I don't know if I could come out of. Little did I know that I would be taken by helicopter to a hospital in phx. Little did I know that my husband would have to make a decision that no one should ever have to make. The doctors ask who would you like us to try and save, its not looking good for either person especially for how young the baby is and the fact that your baby is sick as well. We can try and save your wife but we are not sure about her either. I feel so guilt sometimes for putting him in that situation even though I didn't really have control over it. I do remember the doctors saying this. I was not really with it at the time since my fever had spiked to 104 + and all I could hear are doctors and nurses yelling we need to get her temp down now! Little did I know that I would become so serious that I would be taken to Cardiac ICU to have a central line put into my neck. ( its not fun I would not recommend it). It is hard to think that 5 years ago today I lived and my baby died.

This year has been harder than any other year so far. I think part of it is because my stress level is pretty much maxed out with our living situation, all the sick kids as well as me getting sick, and the fact that I know have a little girl who is still with us. I love Gracie more than anything and wouldn't trade her for anything but right now I wish I had both my girls with me. Its hard to think right now my baby Emily would be 5. We would be going next week to register for Kindergarten. Sometimes i think I know what she would look like right now. Sometimes I will see a little girl at a store and think I bet that is what Emily would look like.
I know that my baby is where she is suppose to be. That doesn't mean that I don't ache for her and wish she was still part of our earthly family. I know she has family taking care of her on the other side. My brother Ryan's birthday was on Tuesday and he would have been 28 years old. I know that he is taking care of her for me. I wouldn't trust anyone more. When my Grandpa Bird was getting close to passing. I was in the room with him when he told me that he had scene my baby Emily as well as Grace. I was still pregnant with Grace when he passed away. I remember my dad saying don't you want to say to see Gracie born. Grandpa kind of got mad at him and said NO in the tone that he would sound like when he was kind of starting to get mad at you. He said very matter of factly that he had seen her so why would he stay. I must admit he had a point. He had said that he had seen Ryan as well has his mom. At that time when I was in that room I knew the veil was very thin and could feel those spirits with us. I knew that he had scene both of my baby girls.
I ready on another friends blog who lost a baby 3 years ago say that it is hard sometimes cuz when people ask how many children she has she says 2 but in her mind she says 3. It is hard for people to understand or even to know what to say. I know the feeling, I do have 4 children unfortunately right now I only have 3 of them with me.
I wish that I had more things to remember her by. I wish now that I would have gotten to hold her. However when she was born I was also dying so everything that everyone was focusing on was trying to save my life. I know that there was nothing the doctors could do to save her at that point. I am grateful that I was able to stay here with my family and be a mom to Ryan and still have Cameron and Grace.
Without the knowledge that Families are FOREVER I don't know where I would be. I know that I will get to see all the ones that I have lost again. That they are waiting for me and pulling for me. I feel them near me when I am really needing some extra support.
Happy Birthday to my angel baby Emily mommy loves you so much.

We didn't make it to the cemetery today because of all the rain. We did take the kids to get new flowers and little trinkets so hopefully tomorrow it will stop raining enough to go out there.