The End of January

One afternoon the Coppee kids got to come over afterschool. The boys where so excited that they could ride bikes.

Gracie on the other hand was very jealous of all the kids and wanted in on the action. So she took off and she went fast that way I couldn't catch her.

At first she was going for the worm but then one of the kids got off the bike so she thought she could ride it.

 She was getting frustrated that it kept moving on her but she was determined to make this bike work.

When she couldn't figure out how to get on she decided just to go and push it around.

I was able to take the boys to Gymnastics. I love being able to go and watch them since I don't usually take them, however when you take Gracie with you it is another type of experience. When the little devils got to go out to the big room Gracie was able to stay in the little room and play on the trampoline. She thought she was pretty hot stuff thinking she was a big kid. However when the kids came back into the room she didn't want to leave.

Ryan working with his coach to do a headstand.

 My little monkey Cameron is doing so much better with Gymnastics.

Gracie and I watched and cheered him on since he was on the way to the foam pit.

The blur is Cameron willingly jumping into the foam pit. Cameron has always had a hard time with jumping into the pit so this is a big deal.

5 Years Ago Today....

5 Years ago today was a rough day. Well I guess I should start with 5 years ago yesterday my husband was out of town in Sacramento for a Business trip. I was having a lot of strong contractions so I went to the hospital to get the meds to stop them. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I didn't know that within the next 24 hours that my life would change forever. Little did I know that I would be fighting for my own life. I have played the "what if" game for a while but can't do that anymore otherwise it will eat me alive and the depression that I am fighting off lately will take me down into a deep dark hole that I don't know if I could come out of. Little did I know that I would be taken by helicopter to a hospital in phx. Little did I know that my husband would have to make a decision that no one should ever have to make. The doctors ask who would you like us to try and save, its not looking good for either person especially for how young the baby is and the fact that your baby is sick as well. We can try and save your wife but we are not sure about her either. I feel so guilt sometimes for putting him in that situation even though I didn't really have control over it. I do remember the doctors saying this. I was not really with it at the time since my fever had spiked to 104 + and all I could hear are doctors and nurses yelling we need to get her temp down now! Little did I know that I would become so serious that I would be taken to Cardiac ICU to have a central line put into my neck. ( its not fun I would not recommend it). It is hard to think that 5 years ago today I lived and my baby died.

This year has been harder than any other year so far. I think part of it is because my stress level is pretty much maxed out with our living situation, all the sick kids as well as me getting sick, and the fact that I know have a little girl who is still with us. I love Gracie more than anything and wouldn't trade her for anything but right now I wish I had both my girls with me. Its hard to think right now my baby Emily would be 5. We would be going next week to register for Kindergarten. Sometimes i think I know what she would look like right now. Sometimes I will see a little girl at a store and think I bet that is what Emily would look like.
I know that my baby is where she is suppose to be. That doesn't mean that I don't ache for her and wish she was still part of our earthly family. I know she has family taking care of her on the other side. My brother Ryan's birthday was on Tuesday and he would have been 28 years old. I know that he is taking care of her for me. I wouldn't trust anyone more. When my Grandpa Bird was getting close to passing. I was in the room with him when he told me that he had scene my baby Emily as well as Grace. I was still pregnant with Grace when he passed away. I remember my dad saying don't you want to say to see Gracie born. Grandpa kind of got mad at him and said NO in the tone that he would sound like when he was kind of starting to get mad at you. He said very matter of factly that he had seen her so why would he stay. I must admit he had a point. He had said that he had seen Ryan as well has his mom. At that time when I was in that room I knew the veil was very thin and could feel those spirits with us. I knew that he had scene both of my baby girls.
I ready on another friends blog who lost a baby 3 years ago say that it is hard sometimes cuz when people ask how many children she has she says 2 but in her mind she says 3. It is hard for people to understand or even to know what to say. I know the feeling, I do have 4 children unfortunately right now I only have 3 of them with me.
I wish that I had more things to remember her by. I wish now that I would have gotten to hold her. However when she was born I was also dying so everything that everyone was focusing on was trying to save my life. I know that there was nothing the doctors could do to save her at that point. I am grateful that I was able to stay here with my family and be a mom to Ryan and still have Cameron and Grace.
Without the knowledge that Families are FOREVER I don't know where I would be. I know that I will get to see all the ones that I have lost again. That they are waiting for me and pulling for me. I feel them near me when I am really needing some extra support.
Happy Birthday to my angel baby Emily mommy loves you so much.

We didn't make it to the cemetery today because of all the rain. We did take the kids to get new flowers and little trinkets so hopefully tomorrow it will stop raining enough to go out there.

More January Fun

After Sonic we headed to Gma Birds to play for a little bit.

 Me and my baby girl. She has discover this play thing that we had for Ryan that we put in Gmas backyard the seatbelt is rotted out but its just her size so she thought that was pretty good.

I don't get it... my kids love to play in the rocks. They don't have to have shoes on they just walk around or in Gracies case crawl around they just think it is the best stuff ever.

BAD DADDY...
He was trying to be nice to me one night after we got the boys to bed we went and used a gift card to Coldstone. Yes she LOVESSSSS CHOCOLATE. We can blame that on her Nana since the first time she had it was at her house in Colorado when Nana gave her chocolate ice cream at like 4 months.

Gracie and her blanket she has a thing where she has to sniff it while she is going to sleep.

 

Watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

She came into my room very proud of herself that she had found a sucker that her brother left on the couch that she opened all by herself and then ate the entire thing.

Yep he has a super cute Pizza face

Zander and Gracie get a long most of the time. He for the most part is very patient with her and will try and let her play with him. Her brother on the other hand doesn't want to have a thing to do with her. If he is playing with something and she tries to come play with him it doesn't turn out well.

Love this picture of Cameron. I love his chubby little cheeks and that he is getting freckles on the bridge of his nose just like my brother Ryan had. So one day I was playing with Instagram and made the black and white one and I love it.

GRACEZILLA ATTACKS!!!! This would be why Cameron doesn't like to play with Gracie.

Notice how happy she is that she made her brother cry. Yes she is my little stinker.

 

Happy 28th Birthday Bro

I haven't had a chance to finish updating last year yet but I really feel that I need to post so that when I ever turn my blog into books I have this. I had a melt down last night. My life feels that it has been falling apart. Nothing seems to be working the way I thought at all. Yes a big part of it is our living situation and I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it but live in someone else's house for two years and then we will talk. I have been feeling very alone living with Blaine's family and them getting together every week for dinner is rough. I have my grandma here and don't get me wrong I think if she wasn't here I would die. I call her a few times a day and it is very comforting to know that she is only a few miles away and she tries to help me with my kids as much as she can.  With my parents in Colorado but it is still hard. I think this year is hard cuz my kids have been sick I ended up with strep Blaine has been gone a lot so I am even more one edge. Ryan has been gone now for 22 years and normaly his birthday isn't the hard one. This year it's his birthday and then Saturday it is Emily's 5th birthday. It's not like the dates change they are always on the same day every year. I am really struggling with them both. I will post about Emily this weekend cuz I need to try and sleep for a little bit. I just wanted to say that today turned out to be a good day. I have seen people post on Facebook about how they do things to remember there loved ones every year. Around 9:30 I called gma and said let's go to Sonic for Ryan's birthday. Yes we have a story for why. She loved the idea so I loaded the kids and headed over to meet her. The story of Sonic is when we where living in El Paso my dad drove ambulance and we would go visit him at the hospital. There is a sonic down the hill and we loved to take a ride in the ambulance to go get food. Ryan was a ladies man from the time he was born till the time that he died. He knew all the girls who worked at sonic by name and they would always give him free stuff. Lets remember folks he was only like 31/2 to 4 years old. He loved the tots and fries so I made sure to order some of that. So yes today was a good day. Happy Birthday little brother I so wish you where hear with me. You are my best friend and now you are taking care of my baby Emily until I have the chance to. I do feel you near me but I know that you are where you are suppose to be doing what you are suppose to be doing.

 

 

Lunch at Sonic we had Cameron, Gracie , Zander and Gma. We got some of Ryan's favorites like Tots with Cheese.

 

 

TRAIN PARK

Ryan and Cameron love the train park in Scottsdale. We had some tickets left over from the last time and got a few more. We didn't get to go on this little train last time cuz Cameron decided to throw a massive fit. This time we all go to go on it even Gracie thought it was fun.

Waiting in line for the big Train. Cameron has it hard cuz he didn't even have to stand thanks dad for the shoulder ride.

Trying to get a good picture of the boys. Ryan always has a funny smile on his face.

Gracie isn't sure what is going on but really thinks its time to get out of her seat.

Gracie thought the playground was great. There was a lot of kids so we couldn't just let her down but boy did she love the slide.

Ryan and Cameron really wanted to ride this thing. So we waited for the other kids to get off it for like 10 minuets. Other than the fact that Cameron tired to fall off they thought it was pretty fun.

Love this picture of Grace. She and I went to Walmart and she picked out this baby. She thought it was great that they both have binkies.

Fun Times

Gracie LOVES Neds pickles. Blaine gave her one once just to try and make her have a funny face. Well it backfired she loves them. It does make her face a little red so we have to give her a bath after but she loves them.

Nana had this made for Gracie for Christmas it got here a little late. She sent a picture to an artist and he did it with chalk.  

Found the boys hanging out together. They are both playing the their own DS on Ryan's bed to stay away from the younger sister.

Poor Ryan is sick so we made him a bed on the floor in our room cuz when Ryan is sick he wakes up a lot crying not knowing that he is doing it.

 Gracie and Papa going for a ride. She loves that Papa of hers and has him wrapped around her little finger.

My full car. Had to go and pick up the Coppee kids from school so everyone filed in couldn't get Ryan's entire face in but an eye works.

Cameron and Zander playing corn bag catch. Gracie thought she wanted in on this so it turned into a game of keep away from Gracie.

FINALLY

 

Tubes for #3

Gracie got tubes we knew that it was going to happen and just glad it did before our insurance ran out. She did so good I am so proud of her. Blaine had to work and couldn't get off so I asked Gma to come meet us so we didn't have to be alone but she got lost and also got a flat tire so that was just a mess. We where the 1st case of the day so that was nice cuz she wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight.

Gracie an mommy waiting for the doctor to get here. We had to be there at 5:30 so it was a little early for both of us.

 Even though she was hungry and wanted to get down and run around she was pretty happy. She didn't really like her ankle bracelet but she thought it was nice that I had one to only mine wasn't on my ankle.

 Surgery took about 20 minuets till they brought her out to me. She was crying and kind of like a limp noodle but she calmed down a lot faster than some of the other kids did.
She did so good and hasn't really had more complications from ear infections. She was on medication for ear infections for like three months and nothing would touch her poor ear infection.